Being too Outside

This is an old post I never published.  I think I had more to say, but I don't recall.  I'm going to publish it and let it stand as is.  It was written at a very dark point, but maybe gives some insight to why i am the way i am.


Today is a bad day.  Looking back it's been a couple of bad days but I was too distracted to notice.    I have these bouts of what I would term paranoia. Maybe officially it would be termed as some sort of anxiety.  I go through days where I question every relationship, every acquaintance, every even passing contact with other humans that I have.  I wonder if I said to much to the clerk at the convenience store.  I wonder if I sounded too sharp when I said excuse me to the woman who was standing between me and my car.    Did I cheer too loudly for my daughter at bowling?  Did I cheer too much? Was it not enough?  Was I too loud when I corrected my daughter for something?    Why does this one person talk to me when no one else does?  Then I wonder things like has my husband ever felt anything for me at all, or was it just I was a willing lay that got knocked up and he stays with out of some sense of duty?  Yeah that's a big one.  Believe me I question every single interaction in between as well.  My brain just tells me irrational things.  I think they're irrational.  Some part of me desperately wants to believe they're irrational.  When I go through this though it just makes sense and it's so easy to believe.   I'm not posting this looking for compliments or reassurances.   When i go through one of these bouts they wouldn't help anyways.  It's so easy for my brain to say they were just said out of pity and all lies.
      I think most of these bouts are triggered by something.  Sometimes I know what, and sometimes I can't put my finger on it.  I think this one was caused by feeling too outside at the girls bowling events. We had Saturday morning league as usual and then Tana had a tournament Saturday afternoon and Kit had one this afternoon.  Out of those 3 events only one person really talked to me.  Betsey.  Then I wonder why Betsey talks to me.  She seems to like me.  Is there something wrong with her?   The majority of the time though I spent by myself looking around at other parents moving back and forth chatting with eachother.    No one chats with me voluntarily though.  Once in awhile I manage to catch someone's attention and say something i'd been thinking for about 5 minutes, but exchanges are short and, to me, feel forced.   I wonder why I don't really know anyone there.  Even factoring in the fact that many of them have been at that alley for years and we only came 2 years ago.  There are other families who came at the same or more recently and are far more accepted than I am.   I wonder what I did, what do I exude, that no one ever really approaches me.
     

Hysterectomy woes

So I never post anything, and when I start to I often delete.  Afraid to let the world in on the crazy I keep hidden. lol   Anyways here I am 3 1/2 weeks out from a hysterectomy, mostly recovered I guess.  I get fibro flares from the surgery and some days it's hard to tell what is from a flare and what is from  overdoing it.  So I am clear of the migraine that plagued me for 6 months and lead to the surgery in the first place.  For this I am grateful.  My deepest fear was that the surgery would be for nothing.  I am happy to say I sat out in the sun for over 2 hours on sunday to watch Tana cheer.  I got a sunburn, and my cheeks hurt from squinting, but I didn't get a migraine.   A few weeks ago I would have needed to go to the ER before the game even started.  That said, it was a steep price to pay.  Though Steve always said otherwise to friends and family, in private he admitted that he would like one more child.  One more try for a son, though we would have been thrilled with a third daughter.  Now we are stuck at 2.  Before, there was always hope, there was always possibility.  Now I have nothing.  People have said we could adopt.  We could, but I don't want to.  Maybe that's odd being an adopted child myself, but that is exactly why I don't want to adopt.  I know what I went through, how I felt about being adopted.  I just can't deal with that in another child.  For me the pregnancy and breastfeeding are so important to the bond I have with my children.  I don't know that I could feel that with a child I didn't carry and nurse...even if we used our genetics and a surrogate. (a very costly option i doubt we'd ever have the money for anyways)  I feel like less of a woman without my uterus.  I know I am forever saying goodbye to the period woes that have plagued me.  I should be happy for that, but I still grieve for the child I didn't have.  So much of my feminity was wrapped up in my ability to bear children.  I feel almost asexual.  Not sure if that will ever come back or I am left in this state forever.  I know many women have hysterectomies and never look back.  That is not the case for me.  At the time I felt like I had no choice, but could there have been a better way?

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
         I know it's a bit early, but I've already started my Christmas shopping so I figured I could start my list.   I fully expect that as usual Steve and I will forgo buying each other gifts this year in order to buy stuff for all our loved ones.  I know I have big items on my list, but hey, a girl can dream, right?
          First of all I'd like some new teeth.  Not my two front ones.  Those are maybe the only ones that are salvageable.  2 pregnancies sucked all the calcium out of my teeth.  Most of them are broken and I'm missing quite a few.  My teeth were a small price to pay for my two lovely children, but I do miss steak.  Plus, they hurt a lot.
      Next I'd like some upgrades for my computer.  It's been on the fritz since we moved.   I could possibly fix it by reinstalling windows, but that's such a pain to do.  I had started upgrading it, but shit happens and I wasn't able to get the rest.  I have plenty of RAM, but I need Windows 7 for sure.  A new motherboard and CPU would also be nice.  I was thinking of a 6core.
       I've been seeing a lot of commercials lately for the Kindle Fire and the B&N Nook Color.  The Nook has a screen that reduces glare, longer battery life, and more storage capacity.  It's also $50 more, so I'm not picky.  I love to read and I'm kind of limited on space for books right now so either one would be nice.
      Please can I have a Nintendo 3DS?  I was supposed to get one when they released, but I loaned a family member in dire straits $500.  Obviously I haven't seen that money back so I still don't have one.  I'd really like to have Kid Icarus and Street Fighter for said 3DS.  I honestly don't even know what other titles are available since I've been too bummed about not having one to look.
       I've been wanting to get the frog I designed tattooed on my wrist for about 2 years now.  If you could manage that it just permanently appears on my wrist without me having to go through the whole needles thing, that would be great.  A gift certificate to the tattoo parlor would suffice though.
       You know, I think the giant dragon from squishable.com would be a great addition to my dragon collection.  I've lost a couple of my more delicate dragons thx to the kids.  I think this one would be safe however.
       While you're at it Santa could you bring me Alexander Skarsgard and a 24 hour pass from my marriage?  Ah nevermind.  He probably wouldn't be interested anyways.
      Come to think of it Santa, Tana needs a new bowling ball, and the girls would like to have their birthday (in January)  at the bowling alley.  I don't know how much we'll have to spend this year.  Can we just scratch all that previous stuff?   Santa could I just have a little more money so I can show my girls and family how much we appreciate their love and support all year long?   I know that doesn't have to be with gifts, but it's so nice to be able to get someone something they'll enjoy.  The past year has been kinda rough on all of us and I'd like to make this year really special for everyone.   Thx Santa, I know you'll come through.
                                                                                           Love,
                                                                                                  Kris
         
   

Here I lay me down to bed,
May the morning find me dead.

Broken since the day of birth
never found my place on earth.

Alternating cries and screams,
Licking wounds from shattered dreams.

Feel like I am just a shell
Held together by the thinnest spell

Who can cure a dying soul?
What can make the broken whole?

Gods have either no power or care
To relieve pain or offer repair

Id always feared there's only nothingness
But now I welcome my last breath

Girls' Birthday Party,

I am the worst blogger ever. I go 6 months without posting anything.

Today is Tana's birthday, but we threw a birthday party for both girls. Kitiara will be 2 on Saturday. My parents were kind enough to lend their house for the event as we have VERY little space here.

We had a Tinkerbell theme: cake, plates, cups, napkins, decorations what not. I made taco dip and my MIL made her fabulous BBQ, and we had some chips. Then we played Pixie Bingo. Tana called out the numbers and we gave Tinkerbell magnets and tattoos as prizes (but everyone got some regardless of whether they won or not) Then we had a pinata. It was a neat one that had ribbons on it and everyone took turns pulling the ribbons off. One ribbon opened a trap door on the bottom that was supposed to make the candy fall out but I stuffed it too full LOL. I had to break it open then. Then the girls opened their presents.

Tana got 4 webkinz, some clothing, guitar hero and another game for her DS. Steve and I got her Twinkle Toe Skechers and a flatscreen monitor. Kit got a lot of clothing from everyone. All VERY cute. Tana gave her a new Backyardigans DVD. Steve and I gave her a smurf, Little People Fairy Treehouse, a princess doll, and also some Twinkle Toes Skechers. It was so funny when Kit opened her new shoes she immediately started pulling off her old ones. My dad looked at Steve and said "boy are you in trouble" Steve said "Oh I know...it's all 3 of em, not just Kit" LOL Like Mommy, Like daughters. :D

Then we had cake. The bakery kinda screwed up the cake. I had wanted it to say Happy Birthday acrossed the top, have the edible graphic in the middle, and Tana's name in the bottom left corner, Kit's in the bottom right. Well the decorator misunderstood and thought that where it said Kit was the "cake kit" or edible graphic. So when I went to pick it up it said "Happy Birthday Tana" on the left side and had the edible graphic on the right. Luckily there was enough room for them to add Kit's name at the bottom. Well let me tell you they certainly made up for that little snafu in taste. Let me tell you if you live in Lancaster County and you need a cake for ANYTHING I HIGHLY recommend Byers Butterflake Bakery in Leola. I mean they are just the moistest, richest cakes I have ever had. They are also BEAUTIFUL!!! Other than the reasonable mistake made this time I have NEVER EVER had any complaints about their cakes, and this little messup certainly isn't enough to keep me from going back. (plus they gave me a coupon for next time since i had already paid)

I forgot to mention the AWESOME surprise my dad had for me. He made a slideshow of all the pictures he'd taken of Kit and Tana in the past year and had it playing on the TV. He did the same last year but I had asked him to. I hadn't even thought of it this year


On another seeming unimportant side note..LOL I had a GREAT hair day. I think i finally found a combination of products I like. I had gorgeous shiny curls that didn't go limp or frizz out AT ALL today!! I mean they made it the whole way through the party. I dunno it was just a nice little extra boost for me LOL.

Yay!!!

so we're broke...really really broke. Why am I happy? Because Steve has no money for cigarettes and he's quitting smoking. He said he had none at work last night. He pretty much came home and went to bed shortly there after. I guess hes trying to sleep through some of it. Anyways it's really hard to quit so i'd appreciate any prayers or positive energy anyone wants to send his way for strength.

Family

So many people take family for granted. Blood is thicker than water and all that. Well what if you are adopted? I reconnected with my birthparents when I was 18. My birthmother and I have kept up, but my relationship with my birthfather was more rocky. I lost touch with him and then reconnected when I had tana. When I went into wernersville we lost touch again. I spent 2 years searching the internet trying to find a trace of him... I found him when I read his obit in the paper. I went to the funeral and his wife almost threw me out because "I broke his heart" when I disappeared. However a brother I had never met wanted to keep in touch. He called me once a couple months after the funeral and planned a visit. He never came and I never heard from him again. Recently I saw he had added me on his Yahoo messenger. I don' t know whether it was an accident or not, but I copied the email and saved it in my contacts. I was hoping he was going to contact me but I never saw him online so I fearfully wrote him an email. Those of you who know me, know I don't deal with rejection well. So i just wrote a short note saying "hey i had another baby, hope i didn't offend somehow, how are you"

TODAY HE WROTE BACK!!! So 1. I know he is safe. With him being in the navy I was always kinda fearful something had happened to him. 2. He isn't mad at me Just his life kinda fell apart around that time and he's been focused on his job to deal with it.

So I wrote to him again and included some recent pics of the girls this time. Told him we'd still love for him to be in our lives if he'd like to be, but would understand if that was something he just couldn't handle right now. So anyways that is my excellent news for the day, a great way to start it off.