Being too Outside

This is an old post I never published.  I think I had more to say, but I don't recall.  I'm going to publish it and let it stand as is.  It was written at a very dark point, but maybe gives some insight to why i am the way i am.


Today is a bad day.  Looking back it's been a couple of bad days but I was too distracted to notice.    I have these bouts of what I would term paranoia. Maybe officially it would be termed as some sort of anxiety.  I go through days where I question every relationship, every acquaintance, every even passing contact with other humans that I have.  I wonder if I said to much to the clerk at the convenience store.  I wonder if I sounded too sharp when I said excuse me to the woman who was standing between me and my car.    Did I cheer too loudly for my daughter at bowling?  Did I cheer too much? Was it not enough?  Was I too loud when I corrected my daughter for something?    Why does this one person talk to me when no one else does?  Then I wonder things like has my husband ever felt anything for me at all, or was it just I was a willing lay that got knocked up and he stays with out of some sense of duty?  Yeah that's a big one.  Believe me I question every single interaction in between as well.  My brain just tells me irrational things.  I think they're irrational.  Some part of me desperately wants to believe they're irrational.  When I go through this though it just makes sense and it's so easy to believe.   I'm not posting this looking for compliments or reassurances.   When i go through one of these bouts they wouldn't help anyways.  It's so easy for my brain to say they were just said out of pity and all lies.
      I think most of these bouts are triggered by something.  Sometimes I know what, and sometimes I can't put my finger on it.  I think this one was caused by feeling too outside at the girls bowling events. We had Saturday morning league as usual and then Tana had a tournament Saturday afternoon and Kit had one this afternoon.  Out of those 3 events only one person really talked to me.  Betsey.  Then I wonder why Betsey talks to me.  She seems to like me.  Is there something wrong with her?   The majority of the time though I spent by myself looking around at other parents moving back and forth chatting with eachother.    No one chats with me voluntarily though.  Once in awhile I manage to catch someone's attention and say something i'd been thinking for about 5 minutes, but exchanges are short and, to me, feel forced.   I wonder why I don't really know anyone there.  Even factoring in the fact that many of them have been at that alley for years and we only came 2 years ago.  There are other families who came at the same or more recently and are far more accepted than I am.   I wonder what I did, what do I exude, that no one ever really approaches me.
     

Hysterectomy woes

So I never post anything, and when I start to I often delete.  Afraid to let the world in on the crazy I keep hidden. lol   Anyways here I am 3 1/2 weeks out from a hysterectomy, mostly recovered I guess.  I get fibro flares from the surgery and some days it's hard to tell what is from a flare and what is from  overdoing it.  So I am clear of the migraine that plagued me for 6 months and lead to the surgery in the first place.  For this I am grateful.  My deepest fear was that the surgery would be for nothing.  I am happy to say I sat out in the sun for over 2 hours on sunday to watch Tana cheer.  I got a sunburn, and my cheeks hurt from squinting, but I didn't get a migraine.   A few weeks ago I would have needed to go to the ER before the game even started.  That said, it was a steep price to pay.  Though Steve always said otherwise to friends and family, in private he admitted that he would like one more child.  One more try for a son, though we would have been thrilled with a third daughter.  Now we are stuck at 2.  Before, there was always hope, there was always possibility.  Now I have nothing.  People have said we could adopt.  We could, but I don't want to.  Maybe that's odd being an adopted child myself, but that is exactly why I don't want to adopt.  I know what I went through, how I felt about being adopted.  I just can't deal with that in another child.  For me the pregnancy and breastfeeding are so important to the bond I have with my children.  I don't know that I could feel that with a child I didn't carry and nurse...even if we used our genetics and a surrogate. (a very costly option i doubt we'd ever have the money for anyways)  I feel like less of a woman without my uterus.  I know I am forever saying goodbye to the period woes that have plagued me.  I should be happy for that, but I still grieve for the child I didn't have.  So much of my feminity was wrapped up in my ability to bear children.  I feel almost asexual.  Not sure if that will ever come back or I am left in this state forever.  I know many women have hysterectomies and never look back.  That is not the case for me.  At the time I felt like I had no choice, but could there have been a better way?