This is an old post I never published. I think I had more to say, but I don't recall. I'm going to publish it and let it stand as is. It was written at a very dark point, but maybe gives some insight to why i am the way i am.
Today is a bad day. Looking back it's been a couple of bad days but I was too distracted to notice. I have these bouts of what I would term paranoia. Maybe officially it would be termed as some sort of anxiety. I go through days where I question every relationship, every acquaintance, every even passing contact with other humans that I have. I wonder if I said to much to the clerk at the convenience store. I wonder if I sounded too sharp when I said excuse me to the woman who was standing between me and my car. Did I cheer too loudly for my daughter at bowling? Did I cheer too much? Was it not enough? Was I too loud when I corrected my daughter for something? Why does this one person talk to me when no one else does? Then I wonder things like has my husband ever felt anything for me at all, or was it just I was a willing lay that got knocked up and he stays with out of some sense of duty? Yeah that's a big one. Believe me I question every single interaction in between as well. My brain just tells me irrational things. I think they're irrational. Some part of me desperately wants to believe they're irrational. When I go through this though it just makes sense and it's so easy to believe. I'm not posting this looking for compliments or reassurances. When i go through one of these bouts they wouldn't help anyways. It's so easy for my brain to say they were just said out of pity and all lies.
I think most of these bouts are triggered by something. Sometimes I know what, and sometimes I can't put my finger on it. I think this one was caused by feeling too outside at the girls bowling events. We had Saturday morning league as usual and then Tana had a tournament Saturday afternoon and Kit had one this afternoon. Out of those 3 events only one person really talked to me. Betsey. Then I wonder why Betsey talks to me. She seems to like me. Is there something wrong with her? The majority of the time though I spent by myself looking around at other parents moving back and forth chatting with eachother. No one chats with me voluntarily though. Once in awhile I manage to catch someone's attention and say something i'd been thinking for about 5 minutes, but exchanges are short and, to me, feel forced. I wonder why I don't really know anyone there. Even factoring in the fact that many of them have been at that alley for years and we only came 2 years ago. There are other families who came at the same or more recently and are far more accepted than I am. I wonder what I did, what do I exude, that no one ever really approaches me.
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